23/09/2021

My manager has made me a pariah

In a recent article, Val Leveson, an Auckland-based counsellor, cleverly highlighted the issue of workplace bullying and that the bullied is often the last to know. (The Dominion Post, 22 September 2021). Bullying comes in many forms and is often so insidious that you don’t recognise it for what it is and end up feeling that the fault lies with you:

‘CONFUSED WRITES

I have always thrived in my work – every year I get excellent performance reviews that say I exceed expectations. I am also a good team member. I have always got on well with my colleagues and managers and will go beyond what’s required to help them out. This has come from genuine feedback.

I feel uncomfortable blowing my own trumpet, but I’m trying to tell you the whole situation.

I have worked for a finance company for 20 years (I’m in my 40s). About two years ago, we had a restructuring, and I came under a new manager. This didn’t feel like too much of an issue at the time, as I’ve worked well under various managers. I’m not someone who is worried about change.

From being a confident employee who loved her job, I’ve become a bit of a wreck. I’ve lost confidence, I keep second-guessing myself, I dread getting up in the morning because it means going to work, I’ve even spoken to my doctor about going on antidepressants as I’ve had thoughts of harming myself. My husband tells me he’s worried about me.

My manager keeps pointing out my errors (usually around grammar in emails, that sort of thing), and loads on the work. When I’m working on one thing, she tells me to drop it and work on something else … and that goes on and on so I never feel I’m actually achieving anything.

After I went to her to ask her to lay off and let me get on with my job, she suggested a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP). I hear a lot of whispering around me, and my manager is always laughing and making jokes with other team members and ignoring me (other than the constant criticism).

I’m noticing that my colleagues are now avoiding me, which is painful because I like getting on with people. I’m starting to feel like a pariah in the office, and I don’t understand how I’ve got to the point of a PIP when I’m usually praised for my work.

A colleague from a different department says he thinks there is workplace bullying going on, and that this manager does not have a good reputation in the other departments where she has worked.

But I don’t understand why a manager would bully someone and try to break them down if they’re a good employee? Maybe I need to accept that I’m no longer good at what I do. Please help.

DEAR CONFUSED

Often the last person who recognises that they are being workplace bullied is the target themselves. As Andrea Needham wrote in her book, Workplace Bullying, the target of bullying is often someone who is interpersonally gifted and is good at their job. This kind of person is the type who will most likely question themselves and start believing they’re being pulled up because they’re doing badly, not because they’re being bullied.

The problem may be that you were doing too good a job and were too popular with your colleagues. This may have brought forward envy in your manager, and she, consciously or unconsciously, needed to bring you down.

Your talk of your manager laughing with your colleagues, and you being shunned by her and now them, sounds like the situation may be extremely serious and quite typical of workplace bullying (and what is called shadow bullying) – particularly as you say you’re feeling a loss of confidence, dread about going to work, and even depression. This is what a bully wants to achieve – to destroy you psychologically.

I suggest you document every interaction with your manager, good or bad. The problem with complaining about bullying is if you haven’t documented things, you could end up picking up examples that seem a bit petty. (Bullies are clever about this – how do you think a complaint like “she laughs with my colleagues and not me” will go?) If you have full documentation, the trend of how you’re being treated can be clearly seen.

If you want to stay in the workplace, make sure you also have help. Go to a counsellor who has an understanding of the effects of workplace bullying, and can help you process what’s happening, and how your manager is able to trigger you. Share your experience with your husband and trusted friends – they can’t support you if they don’t know what’s going on.

No workplace is worth your mental health. If you do want to make a complaint, make sure you familiarise yourself with legislation around workplace bullying complaints and, if you’re with a union, use its services.

In good, supportive environments, you thrive. The environment you’re in now sounds the opposite of that.’

If you’re an employer, you are very likely to have to deal with workplace bullying and/or harassment issues at some stage. You will have to approach each situation carefully and appropriately. If you are facing this type of problem and feel that there are too many uncertain areas, EQ Consultants are here to assist. We offer credible advice that suits your business and particular situation.